


Finding the new normal

by Pandraroselavellan



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anxiety, Cullen Rutherford Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Injury Recovery, Love, Tags Are Hard, Tenderness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-23 22:43:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21327883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pandraroselavellan/pseuds/Pandraroselavellan
Summary: She did not feel like the same person he married only a couple of months ago. So much happened since. Within 24 hours, she went from being the happiest woman on the planet to falling to the lowest point she has ever experienced. He still loved her and treated her as his lady. But Pandra did not think it was fair. She lost so much, not just her left hand and forearm. She lost her purpose and confidence in herself. She was supposed to be stronger than this. There was never any place for real weakness. And to her, Cullen was paying the price shouldering her burden.
Relationships: Female Inquisitor/Cullen Rutherford, Female Lavellan/Cullen Rutherford, Lavellan & Cullen Rutherford
Comments: 5
Kudos: 42





	Finding the new normal

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first post. So I hope it entertains. I am more of a fluff writer apparently. I also suck at tags... I am open to constructive criticism as well.
> 
> And a huge thanks to Bioware for creating such a wonderful world.

Pandra Lavellan sat on the floor listening to the fire crackle and pop as the fire danced in the fireplace. Midnight had come and gone, but she still hadn’t slept. Sadness weighed heavily on her heart despite how tired her lavender eyes were. Tired of lying in the bed and worried she would wake him, she quietly moved to the family room and waved her hand sending a spark of magic to invigorate the dying embers. Once satisfied with the size of the flames, she pulled her husband’s cloak tighter around her to help get rid of the chill that the fire didn’t push away. His smell filled her as she breathed him in, bring a sense of peace and heartache at the same time. A quick thought flashed through her mind that she should be in his bed, breathing him in instead of sitting on the hardwood floor.

A sudden chill slid across her neck so she released her waist length red hair from the pins so that it spilled down her back and protected her neck from the cold.

She did not feel like the same person he married only a couple of months ago. So much happened since. Within 24 hours, she went from being the happiest woman on the planet to falling to the lowest point she has ever experienced. He still loved her and treated her as his lady. But Pandra did not think it was fair. She lost so much, not just her left hand and forearm. She lost her purpose and confidence in herself. She was supposed to be stronger than this. There was never any place for real weakness. And to her, Cullen was paying the price shouldering her burden.

“Are you okay?” A quiet voice broke the otherwise stillness of the room.

Pandra looked towards the hallway to see her sister-in-law, Mia, standing there wrapped up in a quilt. Her hair was tucked under a tightly fitted cap.

“I’m sorry.” Pandra looked down at the fire. “I didn’t want to wake anyone.”

Mia tiptoed around the chair and moved closer to the elf. “May I sit with you?”

Surprised, she nodded. “The floor is rather cold.”

“I have my quilt.”

The ladies sat for a few minutes in silence. Pandra was not sure what to do. She had only arrived two days ago after a harrowing ordeal, slow recovery, and a long trek to South Reach from Skyhold. Cullen told the council that as soon as she was recovered enough, they would take their leave. The Inquisition was ending, and it did not need either one of them there. He wanted to take her away from it all. He also wanted to reconnect with his family and introduce them to the woman he loves. A visit with her new family, he said, hopefully would help her. He knew she missed her clan, wiped out almost three years ago.

Mia finally broke through Pandra’s thoughts. “Having trouble sleeping?”

She nodded, not saying anything for fear of losing control of the tears stinging her eyes.

“I am glad that you are here.” Mia paused waiting to see if there would be a response. When there was none, she continued. “It has been so many years since we have seen our brother. What little we heard from him was stark. That is until he wrote of you.”

A small chuckle escaped her lips at the thought of Cullen writing about her to his sister. He didn’t know that she was lying awake in the bed that morning as he scratched out the letter, mumbling the entire time.

“Do you know what he said in that letter?”

The beautiful elf shook her head. “He did not let me read it. I am not even sure he knows I knew he wrote it.”

“How did you know about the letter, then?”

Another chuckle. “I was pretending to be asleep when he was writing it. There were mornings where I would keep my eyes closed so I could stay hidden away from Inquisition business for just a few more minutes. There wasn’t as much time as I wanted to spend just being me and not the Inquisitor. Cullen would indulge me sometimes, keeping his eyes closed as well. Other times, he would get up and work on his reports. He mumbles when writing, especially if he is having trouble with what to say. It doesn’t happen as much when he writes reports. But anything else, he dreads and makes it harder than it is. That is how I know when he is writing something personal.”

This time, it was Mia’s turn to laugh. “Yes. His letters were always short and curt. I was glad to get anything from him, even if it was a single sentence. He has been sorely missed.”

The curiosity of what was in that letter started gnawing at her. She wanted to ask but wasn’t sure if Mia would mind. However, Mia is the one who mentioned it. So she must want to tell her. It only makes sense.

Taking the bait, she asked, “So, what did he write about me?”

Mia smirked, pleased that she was able to encourage conversation with her brother’s wife. She could tell that the red headed elf was struggling with recent events. Both Cullen and Pandra had been tight lipped on most of the details, but she knew that it had something to do with the loss of her hand. Mia was familiar with the tales of the Herald of Andraste and her glowing green hand containing the power to close rifts. The tales were larger than life and full of power. There were even a few rather mischievous stories surrounding the pair at Skyhold. Obviously, there was not a lot of privacy. The young woman sitting beside her seemed so much smaller in comparison.

“He did not go into much detail about your relationship, but it was one of the longest letters her had ever written. He called you by name instead of using one of your many titles as he had in the few previous letters we received. He has always been a stickler for rules and duty, so to see your name written out in the familiar told me there was something there. He has not written so plainly about any one else that I am aware of.”

Confused, Pandra looked towards her. “He didn’t say much about me then? Just wrote my name?”

Mia smiled. “Yes, that alone spoke volumes. I wrote back trying to get details but he only responded that I was prying. I would get a longer letter when there was time.”

“So what did his longer letter say?”

She chuckled, “He never found the time to write it.”

Smiling, she asked, “So you don’t know much about me, about us?” Pandra was selfishly pleased, in that Cullen kept their private lives so close to his heart.

“Disappointingly, no. Other than gossip and rumor. He is my brother and I want him to be happy. I hope he - and you - will share your lives with us. We are family after all.”

Those words stung Pandra’s heart. Her clan was gone. There would be no reunion, no celebration of her marriage, no hugs from her father. She managed to catch a cry in her throat, but not before Mia saw it.

Suddenly remembering what happened to her clan long ago, Mia instantly regretted her words. “Oh, I am so sorry!” Her arms wrapped around the small frame of the still woman. “I should have been more careful with my words.”

Pandra swallowed hard, slowly regaining her composure. They sat like that for a few minutes. Neither of them heard the footsteps from the hallway nor felt the presence of the amber eyed gentleman as watched from the darkness.

Mia finally spoke again, releasing her sister-in-law. “Pandra, I know we are not the same as your clan. But we are here for you, if you want us to be.”

Rubbing her eyes to keep the tears from escaping, she replied, “But you don’t know me.”

“My brother loves you. So I do as well.”

Pandra stared at this human woman who was looking at her with such compassion. Cullen told her that his family would accept her. The fact that she was a Dalish mage would have no bearing on how they thought of her. Mia was proving Cullen right.

“I…I don’t know what to say.”

“You do not have to say anything.” A sly smile, similar to her brother’s, appeared on her lips. “At least not yet. I will get some details from you on how you managed to turn my brother’s life upside down….in a good way.”

Both women stifled a laugh, trying not to wake anyone else in the house.

Mia brushed some strands of hair back behind Pandra’s pointed ear. “Since we are family, I think I can be straight forward with you. Don’t you think?”

“Umm…maybe.” Her forehead wrinkled with uncertainty, not knowing what was about to be said.

With eyes full of compassion and concern, Mia asked, “Are you okay? And I don’t mean physically. I haven’t seen you really smile much since you arrived.”

There was another thing that Cullen warned her of. Mia didn’t beat around the bush. If she was thinking it, it flew right out of her mouth.

Pandra sighed. “I will be.”

“So you are as stubborn as your husband, I see.” Mia’s head tilted slightly to the right. “I know you have been through something I will never understand. But you are not alone here. You have Cullen and now you have the rest of us. I hope that you will find that you can talk to at least one of us.”

Cullen watched as Pandra chewed on her bottom lip, something that he considered to be irresistibly cute. He knew that she was debating on what to say, if anything. He said a quick prayer to the Maker that his wife would open up to someone. He knew she carried everything inside but for some reason, could not talk to him about it yet. Pandra needed someone to talk things out, to find another person she could talk to.

Varric had quickly left for Kirkwall after someone informed him that Sebastian was threatening to visit since the viscount hadn’t written him back. Dorian, who was without a doubt Pandra’s best friend, was either still traveling to Tevinter or getting settled in his new role, not having much time to chat like they used to at Skyhold or in camp. Cassandra, Josephine, and Leliana were busy winding down the Inquisition. Everyone else slowly scattered to the winds.

Making a decision to try as assure Mia, Pandra inhaled deeply. “I appreciate the offer, but I don’t know what to say. Things are scattered.” To her surprise, that was not what she intended to say. “I find that I miss so much and feel so lost. Cullen has been patient and wonderful, helping me recover. But he shouldn’t have to. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.” She was shocked at her admission, saying more than she intended. But once it started, she wasn’t sure how to stop.

“I love Cullen. I know he is your brother and it may be weird, but I have to say it. I do not want you to misunderstand. I love him with everything I have left. But I … things changed and … I am different. He is still wonderful, caring, and strong. I relish being in the same room as him. There are moments where I feel like I did when he asked me to marry him. Beautiful, strong, confident, and full of purpose. The Inquisition gave me purpose, as much as I sometimes hated it and wished things were different.

“But I worry I can’t … life won’t …” She failed to hide the crack in her voice. “I can’t even put my shoes on without his help. And forget cooking. I wasn’t that good with two hands. I can’t do the things I’ve done over the past three years. I worry … He never complains. I am so dependent on him and he still looks at me the same way. What if I can’t give him the life he deserves?” A tear finally broke through and quickly flowed down her smooth cheek.

Cullen covered his mouth as his heart broke hearing the love of his life’s torment. His eyes closed tightly fighting off his own tears. She always did her best to give the appearance of control. Her Inquisitor mask was still very much in place, although not hiding that there was something behind it. He could see more than the others. He assumed it was Solas’ betrayal and missing her friends. He failed to see what she was struggling with. She had always been strong and confident. He couldn’t believe he missed it.

Mia was at a loss for words, sensing that there was more. She wanted to give Pandra as much time as she needed.

“I can’t cast like I could before. Without my hand,…” her voice caught as her emotions started boiling up more. “The movements are not the same. I am scared to try. My father taught me everything I knew about my magic growing up and he is not here for me to ask what to do! Solas and Dorian have gone away. And my hand hurts! It is not even there anymore, but it hurts so bad. I am relieved the anchor is gone but …”

Pandra covered her face with her hand as the tears flowed freely. Muffled, she spoke again, “I want to make Cullen happy. He has been through so much. I don’t want him to worry about me, but I don’t know how to be strong again.”

With that, the words stopped as she cried. She quietly gasped as she fought to gain control again. Her face burned with embarrassment at her outburst. This is not how she wanted her sister-in-law to know her, to remember her.

Mia simply wrapped her arms around her small frame and pulled her tight. Indistinctly, she began humming a tune that Pandra did not recognize. The two began slightly swaying together to the tune.

Cullen could not stand it any longer. He stepped out of the shadows and quickly moved to the other side of his wife. Mia released her as he scooped her up and moved to the armchair. He had no problem lifting her small frame and settling her in his lap as he held her to his chest. Quickly, he tucked his cloak around them both.

“Oh my love, I am so sorry you felt that way. You are not a burden. You complete me.” Cullen whispered into her ear. “My life is complete with you in it. Just as you are. ”

Pandra sobbed into his chest. The embarrassment of the revelation was overshadowed by the relief that it was now out in the open. Regardless of how she told him, she was glad he knew now. The weight was too much for her to bear alone.

Neither of them noticed Mia quietly leaving the room, heartbroken at their pain but hopeful that this was what she needed. This was not a place for her. They needed time together so she was exceedingly grateful that Cullen was listening.

Cullen continued, “You are still strong. You do not need the Inquisition or the anchor. Neither make you who you are. You made them both what they were.”

He gently lifted her head, caressing her chin with his thumb as he turned her face to him. His breathtaking amber eyes staring deep into her own, willing the pain and sadness from the lavender gems behind the tears. He had never seen her so vulnerable.

“Cullen… please … I’m sorry.” She choked the words out through the sadness.

“No, my lady. No apologies. Feel what you need to feel, but please let me help.” He touched his forehead to hers. “We will get through this together.”

He held her there as her sobs slowly quieted and the tears stopped. He continued to offer her loving words of encouragement. She rested her head in the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent. His warm, muscular body chasing away the cold when the fire died down in the hearth as she released the pent up worry and frustration at the changes forced on her yet again.

Soon she was quiet. Her face was still red and puffy. The neck and shoulder of his shirt was completely soaked from her tears.

“Cullen?”

“Yes, my love?”

“Can I take your last name? Can I be Pandra Rutherford?”

Cullen wanted her to take his name but wasn’t sure she wanted it. His heart swelled with love and happiness at the question. “Yes you can, Lady Rutherford.”

She giggled. “Well, we are not nobility, but I like the sound of that.”

“You are a queen in my eyes.”

She smiled warmly as she listened to his heart beating. “I love you, husband.”

Quietly, he asked, “My lady, may I take you back to the bedroom? It is cold and you’ve only just recovered.”

Lazily, she nodded.

He adjusted the cloak and his hold on her as he stood up. She wrapped her arm around his shoulders and leaned into him again, enjoying the strength of his body cocooning her in his protection. As quietly as he could, he walked down the hallway towards the guest room.

Once in their room, he laid her on the bed. She was half asleep, drained from her emotional outburst. He unwrapped the cloak from around her and hung it up on the back of the bedroom door. As he turned back towards her, he realized - not surprisingly - that she was wearing one of his shirts again. He could not understand fully why she liked to wear something that was twice her size. It swallowed her completely, taking on the form of a dress instead of a shirt. Except she said it smelled like him. He could understand that, as he enjoyed the smell of wildflowers that seemed to follow her everywhere.

A chuckle escaped from him as he admired her sleepy form, legs tucked up under her and her hair cascading across the pillow.

“Cullen, where are you?” She mumbled as she reached to his side of the bed, finding it empty.

He crawled into the bed, pulling her close to him. Their stomachs touched and she quickly tangled her legs with his. Her arm draped over his side and to his back.

“I’m right here, beautiful.”

She opened one eye to look at him. “Am I?”

“Beautiful?”

She nodded.

“Of course you are. You are one of the most spectacular sights in all of Thedas.” He kissed her nose lightly.

“But the scars…”

“Only show that you are a survivor. That you fought and won. They do not diminish your value, they only enhance it.”

She opened her other eye to look into the face of this extraordinary man. How did he always manage to say the right thing?

“But my arm … what if I can’t make you happy like before?”

He knew exactly what she was referring to. He would be lying if he didn’t admit that he thought about making love to her again. He wanted to on many occasions. The last time was the night of their wedding at the Winter Palace. From that night on, he was supposed to make her feel pleasure at every opportunity. They were going to find their happy ending. Unfortunately, the unexpected happened. The next night, she was fighting for her life.

He missed her body. He longed to caress her curves and kiss her skin again. Her taste was so clear in his mind that he ached for it some nights. He wanted to make her feel ecstasy at his touch. He wanted their bodies to be as close together as possible, to feel her skin on his, to feel her body moving with his. But he knew she was not ready yet. He would be patient and support her until she was ready.

“Do you love me?”

She smiled slightly. “Of course I do. Completely.”

“That is what matters. But I won’t lie. It will be different in some ways since we will have to accommodate for your arm. That is not a bad thing. I, for one, am looking forward to rediscovering us. It will almost be like the first time again.”

“You really do not mind? You still want to look at me?” She asked, still full of hope and doubt.

His lips embraced hers. His mouth parted allowing his tongue to glide over her soft lips. She readily received what he was offering as their tongues caressed each other, tasting each other. He poured all the love and passion he had into that kiss, willing her to feel what he felt.

Cupping her face in his hands, he smiled. “I love you with everything that I have, that I am. When you are ready, I will do more than just look at you. I will explore you.”


End file.
